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le Professor of Love 




PUBLISHED BY 

The* Dr^i^latic Pubi^isiiing Compaky 

CHA.RLES H aEiCGEL. . PRESIDENT 



Practical Instructions for 
Private Theatricals 

ByW.D, EMERSON 
Author of "A Country Bomance,*' ''The Unknown Eival," 
''Humble Pie," etc. 



Pricet 25 cents 



Here is a practical hand-book, describing in detail all the 
accessories, properties, scenes and apparatus necessary for an 
amateur production. In addition to the descriptions in words, 
everything is clearly shown in the numerous pictures, more 
than one hundred being inserted in the book. No such useful 
book has ever been offered to the amateur players of any 
country, 

CONTENTS 

Chapter L Introductory Remarks. 

Chapter II. Stage, How to Make, etc. In drawing-rooms 
or parlors, with sliding or hinged doors. In a single large 
room. The Curtain; how to attach it, and raise it, etc. 

Chapter III. Arrangement of Scenery. How to hang it. 
Drapery, tormentors, wings, borders, drops. 

Chapter IV. Box Scenes. Center door pieces, plain wings, 
door wings, return pieces, etc. 

Chapter V. How to Light the Stage. Oil, gas and electric 
light. Footlights, Sidelights, Reflectors. How to darken the 
stage, etc. 

Chapter VI. Stage Effects. Wind, Rain, Thunder, Break- 
ing Glass, Falling Buildings, Snow, Water, Waves, Cascades, 
Passing Trains, Lightning, Chimes, Sound of Hors**-' Hoofs, 
Shots. 

Chapter VII. Scene Painting. 

Chapter VIII. A Word to the Property Man. 

Chapter IX. To the Stage Manager. 

Chapter X. The Business Manager, 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

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The Professor of Love 



A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 



BY 

KATHARINE KAVANAUGH 



Copyright 1911 by THK DRAMATIC PI BUSHING COMPANl 



CHICAGO 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



P5352.1 



JAN -6 1915 

©C1.D !r9329 



THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 

A Corned}^ 

by 

Katharine Kavaxaugh. 



CAST. 

Professor Fairchild, inventor of the Affection Adjuster. 

Marion Fairchild, liis daughter. 

Betty, the maid. 

Mrs. Martin, the housekeeper. 

Johnnie Jones, the iee-man. 

Neil Dacey, the book-agent. 



COSTUMES. 

Professor Fairchild is an elderly gentleman of the stu- 
dent type, gray haired, smooth face, and wearing plain 
dark clothes. 

Marion Fairchild is a girl of twenty, wears a becoming 
summer gown. 

Betty is a girl of eighteen or twenty, wears the typical 
maid's costume of black dress, whit43 apron and cap. 

Mrs. Martin is a woman of fifty, veiy neat and nice look- 
ing. Wears some simple go^vn suitable for a woman 
of fifty. 

3 



THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 



Johnnie Jones is a well-built young man of twenty-five 
or twenty-six. Wears ordinary shirt and trousers; a 
soft hat on back of his head; his shirt sleeves rolled 
up, ice-tongs in his hand. 

Neil Dacey, a good-looking young man of twenty-five 
or so. Wears a neat business suit and straw hat. Has 
a sample case of bookbindings such as book-agents 
carry. 

STAGE SETTING. 

Interior backing 



Chair 



Door 
C. E. 



Chair 



Door 



Door 



Librar^^ table 



Chair 



Couch 



PROPERTIES. 

Library table, three mission or upholstered chairs and 
a couch. Books and Avriting utensils on table. Two 
or three good engravings for wall. Handsome floor 
rug. A framed photograph on table. Ice-tongs for 
Johnnie Jones ; a sample case of books for Neil Dacey ; 
a coat for the Professor. 



The Professor of Love 

SCENE : Lihrartj in honu of Professor Fairchild. 
Room is nicely furnished. (See plot for stage setting.) 
Practical door L. U. E., Center and B. 2 E., center 
entrance shoiving interior drop in hack. On the wall 
are a few good pictures. A few papers and hooks on 
table, also a framed photograph. At rise, enter Betty, 
L. U. E., comes on stealthily as if she were afraid of 
being caught. Crosses quickly to door R. 2, and listens 
at keyhole. 

Betty. It's still buzzin'. I wonder what the inasliT 
has got in there. He's always inventin' something and 
he always tells us about it, but this one he hasn 't said a 
word about, and he won 't let anybody in the room where 
it is. ]May be it's some infernal machine that'll blow 
us up in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep bist 
night for thinkin' of it. He tliinks nobody has seen it, 
but I have. I found a key that fitted and peeped in 
yesterday morning. It was buzzin' and buzzin' away 
just like it is now. I put my finger on it, and s-s-s, it 
blew up in my face like that; a spark like from the fire. 
I tell you I beat it to my room scared to death. I've 
been feelin' funny ever since. [Begins to peep through 
keyhole of door.] 
[Enter Professor, C. He sees Betty at the keyhole.'] 

Professor. Betty ! 

Betty. [Almost fedls hackwarei]. Oh. Lord! 

Professor. What are you doing there ? 



6 THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 

Betty. Me, sir"? Why, I was only — only — 

Professor. Only peeping again. It's getting to be 
a habit with you, Betty. 

Betty. Well, sir, wheJi there's an infernal machine 
in the house you can't blame a poor girl foi* gettiiv ner- 
vous, sir. [Touches apron to her eyes. \ 

Professor. How do you know there is a machine in 
that room! 

Betty. Why, sir, I — I — 

Professor. Well ? 

Betty. I found a key, sir, and went in yesterday. 

Professor. What ! Tell me, quick, did you touch 
that machine? 

Betty. Y — yes, sir, I put my finger on it, and, oh, 
sir, it blew up in my face, just like that — s-s-st ! 

Professor. My poor Betty ! Poor girl ! 

Betty. Oh, sir, what's the matter — what have I 
done? Oh, Professor, what's going to happen to me — I 
ain't goin' to die, am I? Tell me 1 ain't goin' to die. 

Professor. No, Betty, you are not going to die ; but 
you are going to fall in love. 

Betty [6'HrpW6'ecr|. What! Fall in love? Me? Who 
with, sir? 

Professor. There's the trouble. Tliere's iio telling 
Avho you will fall in love with. That instrument is an 
invention of mine which I call "The Adjuster of Affec- 
tions." Betty, you may not have heard it before, but 
many people believe that for every man and woman born 
into this world there is a kindred soul somewhere ; the 
other half of us, as it were ; a real soul-mate that belongs 
only to us, that was intended for us from the beginning 
of things. An affinity. Those who have been fortunate 
enough to meet their true mates have been made happy 



THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE i 

be.yond all their dreams; those who have not been so 
fortunate have been made miserable, " either by living: 
dreary, lonely lives or mating with someone not in accord 
with them. Do you understand me, Betty ? 
Betty. I am trying to, sir. 

Professor. May be you can understand this : When 
you touched that instrument in there you sent a spark 
out into the world that went straight to the heart of your 
mate, the one God intended for you. No matter where 
he is, what he is, or what he is doing, he will have to 
come to you. He won't understand why he is doing it, 
but he will come. 

Betty. Oh, sir, I wonder who he can be? 
Professor. Goodness only knows, child. 
Betty. May be he's a millionaire, or a duke, or 
somethin'. 

Professor. His station in life doesn't matter. If he 
is a king, he must come. 

Betty. A king! Oh, no. Professor, I'd be satisfied 
with a duke — I ain't proud, or nothin' like that: a duke 
is all I'd ask for. 

Professor. Let us hope for the best, Betty. Now, 
run along and send Mrs. Martin to me. I must warn the 
household to keep away from that room. 

Betty. Yes, sir, I'll send Mi*s. Martin at once, sir. 
Oh, Lord, Professor — just think of it — a duke. [Going 
up C] You had better be lookin ' for another maid, sir, 
because it wouldn't be right for a dukess to wait on the 
table. {Exits L. U. E. very airily.] 

Professor. Silly child. Well, I may be thankful it 
wasn't my daughter — my dear Marion — wlio liad touched 
the thing. I have my own plans for her, wliieli that 
instiniment must not interfere with. Tlie son of my 



8 THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 

dealest friend. [Takes up photograph from table, looks 
at it.] My old chum, John Dacey. Your wish shall be 
carried out, Jack, old man. Your son shall wed my 
daughter. [Puts photograph hack.] 

[Enter Mrs. Martin, L. U. E.; comes center of stage.'] 

Mrs. Martin. You wished to speak to me, sir ? 

Professor. Yes, Mrs. Martin. I want to make a 
request of you. I have locked the door to this room 
[Indicating B. 2 E.], and I wish it to stay locked until 
further orders. No one — you understand — no one must 
enter that I'oom. 

Mrs. Martin. Very well, sir, I will give orders to 
that effect. I myself was in there this morning. 

Professor. You were ? How did you get in ? I have 
the key myself. 

Mrs. Martin. There is a duplicate key to all the 
rooms on my key-ring. I heard that peculiar buzzing 
noise, sir, and I went in to find out if anything was 
wrong. 

Professor. The machine — tlie instnnnent on the ta- 
ble — did you touch it? 

Mrs. Martin. Yes, sir, I dusted it. 

Professor [His hands in his hair], DUSTED IT! 
Mrs. Martin, I know you are an excellent housekeeper, 
but if you ever get to Heaven, I'm sure you'll dust the 
harps every Tuesday. What happened — did you touch 
it with your hand? 

Mrs. Martin. Why, yes; a spark flew up into my 
face. 

Professor. [Takes her hand.] My poor woman. 
You're done for. 

Mrs. Martin. Why — what is the matter — what have 
I done? 



THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE " 

Professor, ^Mrs. ^lartin, was your late husband good 

to you? 

Mrs. Martin. Well, he was nothing to brag about. 
We were not suited to each other. 

Professor. My dear lady, you are going to fall in 
love with some one soon. Your real soul-mate will come 
to you and ask you to marry him. As you value your 
happiness, don't refuse. 

Mrs. Martin. Wliy, Professor, what ails you? Aren't 
you feeling well? 

Professor. I am perfectly sane, Madam. When you 
touched that instrument you sent out a spark in search 
of your affinity. He will come to you, as sure as fate. 

Mrs. ]Martin. But, sir, I wouldn't leave my position 
here for the best man in the land. You don't realize 
how happy I've been in this house. You have been so 
good to me, and :Miss Marion, God bless her, is the dear- 
est girl in the world. You don't know how I love you 

both. ^^^ ^ . 

Professor. \Takcs Mrs. Martin's hand.] ^\e don t 
want to lose vou, Mrs. :\Iartin. I have been a widower 
for a good many years; my little girl has been mother- 
less a lonu- tune ; but you have never let us feel the loss, 
as far as it lay in your power. [Turus from her. \ 1 'm 
sorry I ever invented the cussed thing. 

Mrs. ^Iartin. 1 don't mean to say anything against 
your wonderful inventions. Professor. I know that 
many of them have been quite successful and remark- 
able! But if vou think that fussy little machine in there 
is goinc^ to make me leave you and Marion, you're very 
much mistaken. I shall never leave you, unless you 

send me away. ^r .• t^ 

Professor. That 1 will never do, Mrs. Martni. It 



10 THE PROFESSOR OP LOVE 

will be a lonely clay for us when you leave this house. 
Please send Marion to me. I must, at least, protect her 
from the influence of my latest invention. 

Mrs. Martin [Going ojf L. U. E.]. Yes, sir, I'll send 
her to you at once. [Exit L. U. E.] 

Professor. What a good woman. How self-sacrific- 
ing and thoughtful she is for the happiness of others, 
and she has had so little of her own. That isn't fair. 
Every woman ought to have her share of happiness. 
God made them for happiness, and yet, how many of 
them live out their lives in loneliness and sorrow. It 
isn't right. There is something wrong somewhere. 

[Enter Marion, C. E. Has a tenuis racket in her 
hand.] 

Marion. Did you want me, Father? 

Professor. Yes, dear. I sent Mrs. Martin for you. 

Marion. I was out on the lawn, practising ; she called 
from the window. What's up. Daddy? Have I been 
into any mischief this time? 

Professor. Not that I'm aware of, Miss. I simply 
wanted to warn you not to touch my new invention in 
the other room. 

Marion. What, that funny little thing-a-ma-bob that 
keeps buzzing all the time? 

Professor. Exactly. 

Marion. Why, Dad, 1 had that all apart and put it 
together again. 

Professor. What! 

Marion. Sure. I wanted to see Avhat made the funny 
noise. 

Professor. When was this? 

Marion. Yesterday morning. 

Professor. Was there a spark? 



THE PROFESSOR OP LOVE 11 

Marion. Several of tlieni. 

Professor. My child, you have wrought your own 
ruin. 

Marion. Good gracious, Daddy, it's nothing very 
serious, is it? 

Professor. So serious that it is likely to interfere 
with my plans for your future. Marion, that instru- 
ment is an adjuster of affections. 

JVIarion. What is that — a new breakfast food? 

Professor. If you realized what it meant to you, 
you wouldn't joke about it. The spark that you sent 
out yesterday went straight to the heart of the man that 
Fate intended for you, and it will bring him to you, no 
matter where he is, or what he is. 

Marion. Good gracious, Daddy, who do you suppose 
it can be ? 

Professor. We can only hope for the best. I trust 
he is a gentleman. 

Marion. Well, if he isn't, I won't marry him. 

Professor. You won't be able to help yourself. You 
will go straight into his arms as soon as he says "come.'' 

Marion. Oh, my goodness. Daddy, suppose he's a 
Turk, or something like that. Won 't it be awful ! 

Professor. This is a sad blow to me, Marion. I 
always intended you foi* the son of my old chum, Jolin 
Dacey. It has been my life-long wish, and his, too. 

Marion. Well, I must say the son hasn't been very 
anxious. He has never taken the trouble to look me up 
even. As for me, I haven't tlie least idea of what lie 
looks like. 

Professor. Yes, unfortunately we haven't been able 
to bring you two together. Neil has been in p]urop(^ most 
of the time since he left college, but now that he is home 



12 THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 

I had hoped to bring- about a meeting. It is all too late 
now, liowever. You'll liave to take what Fate luis in 
store for you. 

Marion. Is tlie son of your eld el: inn good looking, 
Daddy ? 

Professor. I haven't seen him for some years; but if 
he has giown up anything like his father, he's all right. 

Marion. Oh, shucks! I'm not going to allow that 
foolish thing to bother me. Come out on the lawn. Dad, 
and have a game of tennis witli me. \T('J{fs his htn^dy 
leading Mm toivard center door.'] 

Professor. My dear, my tei-nis days are ovei' — I'm 
too old — 

Marion \ Laughing and drawi)ig him ojj]. Nonsense. 
You're getting younger and handsomer every day you 
live. Come along. \Exit, taking the Professor with 
her. C.EJ^ 

Betty. \Ent<rs, L. U. JJ.] A duke! Just fancy 
that! Oil, and I know he'll be handsome and rich and 
elegant ! Oh ! I feel just like the heriiiig in a love story. 
J\ly mother never dreaancd she'd live to see me a duk-ess. 

[Enter Johnnie Jonzs, tJic icc-mi.r:, irifh a pair of 
tongs in his handy his soft hat on the hreJc of kis head, 
Iris sleeves reAled. up above the elbows.] 

Johnnie. Say, won't somebody cciii/ back and tell 
me where to put de ice? Der ain't nol;ody in de kitchen, 
and I never was here before. 

Betty. [Twr)is at sound of his t:oiei.\ (lood gra- 
cious, you're not our regular ice-man. 

Johnnie. I know I ain't. Dat cull was sick today, 
and I had to come in his place. Are you woikin' here? 

Betty. Am I workin' here? Do I look like the lady 
of the liouse? 



THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 13 

Johnnie. You look pretty good to me. Say, if I was 
wise to de fact dat dere was anything like you around 
here, I'd been on the job before this. You're a queen. 

Betty. Not yet. But there's no tellin'. You're 
pretty fresh, aren't you. 

Johnnie. Well, you can't blame a fellow for losin' 
his head when he gets a peep at anything as pretty as 
you are. | Puis ice fongs in corner.] Say, come on over 
and melt a little bit, will you ? 

Betty. I will not. 

Johnnie. All right. Den I'll come over to you. 
[Crosses to Betty and puts his arm around her.] Say, 
you're the candy all right, all right. 

Betty [Indignantly]. You take your arm away. No- 
body has ever done that before. 

Johnnie. Is that so? You poor kid; how lonesome 
you must have been. Say, kid, I 'm on de level. Honest, 
as soon as I spied you, me heart took a tumble-salt all to 
itself. I says, Johnnie, here's what you've been waitin' 
for ; go to it ! Say, honey, I got a dandy job, and a nice 
little home all fix(^d up, just me and me mudder; all it 
wants is somethin' pretty to brigliten it up. What do 
you say ? Will you take a chance, hull ? {Keeps his arm 
around her tvalst.] 

Betty. {Looks at hini.\ 1 nev(M" saw you before in 
all my life; I don't even know Avhat your name is, but 
there's something in here {Her hand over her heart] 
that wants you. and nobody else in all the world. {Lays 
her head on Johnnie's shoulder.] 

Johnnie {Heaving a sigh]. Gee, ain't dat great! 
Why, kid, T ])in lovin' you all my life, and didn't know 
where to find you. What 's your name ? 

Betty. Bettv Jolmson. What's vours? 



14 THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 

Johnnie. Johnnie Jones. Say, ain't dere a shady 
nook somewheres around here where I can tell you liow 
much I love you ? 

Betty. It's my afternoon off, elohnnie. Let's go to 
the park. [^Tlu'n exit C, his arm still ahout her. Going 
offy Betty is saying] And you're only the ice-man. The 
least I expected was a duke ! 

[Enter Mrs. Martin, L. U. E.] 

Mrs. Martin. Betty ! Where is the girl ? Her head 
is so full of romance and nonsense tliat she isn't worth 
her salt. 

[Enter Professor, C, wiping his forehead with his 
handkerchief.] 

The Professor. No, there's no use denying it, I'm 
getting too old for lawn tennis. Oh, Mrs. Martin, were 
you looking for me? 

Mrs. Martin. Yes, sir, I was about to send Betty to 
find you. There is a man at the Imck door, quite a nice 
looking young man, who wants to see you about books. 

Professor. A book-agent. Lord deliver me. Send 
him away, Mrs. Martin. I won't see him. 

Mrs. Martin. Very well, sir. [Turns toward L. U.E.] 

Marion. [Enters, C.]. What's the matter, Dad? 

Professor. Only another book-agent. I'm tired see- 
ing them. Besides, I don't want any more books. Send 
him away, i3lease. [Exit B. U. E.] 

Marion. Mrs. Martin. 

Mrs. Martin. Yes, dear. 

Marion. Send him in. I want to see him. 

Mrs. ]\Iartin. But he '11 make you subscribe for books, 
Miss Marion. 

Marion. No he won't. It's very dull tliis afternoon. 
I haven't a thing to amuse me. I'll see this book-agent. 



thp: professor of love 15 

]\Irs. Martin. Very well, miss. \G(k h off L. U. E.] 

Marion. Oli, deai', I'm so J'estless and hored I don't 
know what to do. I think I'll liavo to hike Daddy off to 
some sunimei' I'esort where I'll meet some young people. 

\E liter Neil, c(irrjiinc) his sample ease, which he pJaers 
on floor ; he holds his hat in his ha)iel.~\ 

Neil. T beg your ])ardou -. T expeeted to see Professor 
Fairehild. 

^Marion. ^\y fatlier is engaged at present. Wlu^t ean 
I do for you 1 

Neil. | /-'///,s- /k".,- h((t on taUe.] Are you Miss Fair- 
child? 

Marion. Yes. 

Neil. \Cr(Jssis to her impetuoushj — then halts. \ Could 
I — er — show you some books ? 

Marion. If you like ; but I wni-n you, you may waste 
your time. [Sits on couch.] 

Neil. \Brings sample case and sits (>)t couch beside 
]\[arion.] I am only too willing. \Tak< s out a hook.] I 
I'epresent the Universe Publishing Company. This is 
one of their latest pu])lieations : '^The Love Affaii's of 
Great Men." 

Marion. Are they any more interesting tlum the 
love affaii's of ordinaiy men? 

Neil. Well, never having had one, I don't know; but 
I think love is always interesting and Ix-autiful, don't 
you ? 

]\Iarion. Yes, when it is true. 

Neil. Love must be true — otliei-wise it is not love. 
Don't you agree with me? 

Marion. Yes; but tlien I am not an autlioi-ity. 

Neil. Have you never loved ? 

Marion. \ Shakes her head.'] No. 



16 THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 

Neil. But men have loved you; they couldn't help 
it. [Puts his hand on hers.] Why, you're the kind of 
girl a fellow dreams about, but hardly hopes to find. 
I'm glad you've never loved a chap. [Rising.] 

Marion. [Rises.] Glad? Why? 

Neil. Because I'm going to make you love me. 
You've got to, [Takes her in his arms] for I've wanted 
you all my life, and never knew what it w^as I was want- 
ing. And now I've found you, and I'm going to keep 
you forever and forever. 

Marion. Are you crazy ? Let me go ? 

Neil. Do you want to go, dear? 

Marion. [Looks up at him, then puts her head will- 
ingly on his shoulder.] No, 1 don't. And I can't under- 
stand it. 

Neil. Neither can I, and T don't want to. I'm only 
too happy to have it so. 

Marion. Oh, what will father say. He will be so 
disappointed. He had other plans for me. 

Neil. He can have no plans that I don't enter into, 
Marion. 

Marion. Why, you know \\\\ name. I don't know 
yours. 

Neil. Mine is — 

[Enter Professor, R. U., sees Neil, eomes ivith out- 
stretched hands.] 

Professor. Neil Dacey. The very likeness of your 
father. [Shakes hands with Neil.] 

Marion. Neil Dacey? 

Professor. The son of my old chum, Marion. I'm 
so glad you two have met. 

Neil. [Takes Marion's hand.] So are we. 



THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 17 

Marion. Wliy, Dad. ho is the book-agent tliat you 
wouldn't see. 

Neil. [LaugJis.] I'll have to confess, I see. You 
know, Professor, my dad warned me that I was to marry 
the daughter of his old friend, or nobody. Not knowing 
Marion, I balked at the idea and absolutely refused to 
be disposed of. But he was so set on it that yesterday 
morning 1 suddenly took a notion to make a trip here, 
and, without introducing myself, get a glimpse of 
Marion. I wanted to please the old dad if I could, but 
I positively wouldn't marry a. girl I couldn't love. I'm 
not a book-agent; that was only a ruse to get in. I 
apologize for the tnck, but I'm glad I came. I am head 
over heels in love with Marion and I want her as soon 
as you will give her to me. [To Marion.] Will you, 
Marion ? 

Marion. Will I — what? I haven't been properly 
proposed to yet. 

Neil. Professor, if you will excuse us, I think we 
can settle this little difficulty better alone. [Puts his 
arm around Marion OTid leads her off C] I know it's 
rather short notice, dear, but I've waited so long, etc. 
[Going off, his voice dies off gradually.] 

Professor. [At C. E.y looking after them.\ Well, 
well, and it has come. The thing we planned and plotted 
so many years ago. [Comes down stage.] I declare, I'm 
happy. [Pauses to think.] But it mil rob me of my 
daughter — I never stopped to think of that. Ah, well, 
I must be content if she is happy. [Sits at table, 
thinking.] 

[Enter Mrs. Martin^ brings on a coat of the Pro- 
fessor's.] 
Mrs. Martin. Professor, the evening is getting chilly; 



18 THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 

please put this heavier coat on ; you will be catching a 
cold. 

Professor. [Rises, taking ojf his coat, and allowing 
Mrs. Martin to put the other one on.'\ You spoil me, 
Mrs. Martin. If I should ever lose you I wouldn 't know 
how to take care of myself. 

Mrs. Martin. I'll never leave you, sii-. 

Professor. My daughter will be marrying some day 
soon ; we shall be pretty much alone here. 

Mrs. Martin. I am glad she will marry, sir; it's the 
right life for a woman. All of us need some one to cod- 
dle and worry about, and if we haven't, we're like a fish 
out of water. 

Professor. You are pretty much alone in the world, 
aren't you, Mrs. Martin? 

Mrs. IVLvrtin. I am entirely alone, sir. 

Professor. So shall I be when my daughter leaves 
me for a home of her own. Would you tliink it silly of 
an old man if he asked you to marry him, Mrs. Martin ? 

Mrs. Martin. Are you proposing to me. Professor? 

Professor. I believe I am, Amelia. 

Mrs. Martin. Do you really want me, Cornelius ? 

Professor. Next to my daughter, I tliink more of 
you than anyone else in the world. \ Holds out his arms 
to her.] 

Mrs. Martin. And I've loved you for years, Profes- 
sor — I mean Cornelius. [Goes to Professor, tvho folds 
his arms about her. They are down stage, R.~] 

[Enter Marion and Neil, C. D., his arm still about her 
waist. Enter Betty and Johnnie, L. V ., arms about 
each other.] 

Professor [Looking up and seeing the others] . Why, 
what is all this, a matrimonial agency ? 



THE PROFESSOR OF LOVE 

19 



Betty. [Still in Johnnie's arms.] It's your infer- 
nal machine, sir. 

Marion. Good gracious, J forgot; the Adjuster of 

Affections. 

Mrs. Martin. It has brought us together, just as you 

said it would. 

Professor. My friends, you must give me a new 
title : Professor of Love. 

Marion. [Her arms around Neu..] Oh, Neil, dear, 
thank heaven you're not a Turk! 
CURTAIN. 



Diamonds and Hearts 

A G>medy Drama in Thtce Acts 

By EFFIE W. MERRIMAN 
Price» 25 cents 

r 

This play has become one of the most popular in America. The. 
good plot, the strong "heart" interest, and the abundant comedy 
all combine to make a most excellent drama. "Bub" Barnes is a 
fine character of the Josh Whitcomb type, and his sister is a worthy 
companion "bit," Sammy is an excruciatingly funny little darkey. 
The other characters are good. Fine opportunity for introducing 
specialties. The play has so many good points that it never fails 
to be a success. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS 

BERNICE HALSTEAD, a young lady of eighteen, with an affec- 
tion of the heart, a love for fun and hatred of arithmetic 

AMY HALSTEAD, her sister, two j^ears younger, fond of frolic. 

INEZ GRAY, a young lady visitor, willing to share in the fun.... 

MRS. HALSTEAD, a widow, and stepmother of the Halstead girls 

HANNAH MARY BARNES, or "Sis," a maiden lady who keeps 
house for her brother 

DWIGHT BRADLEY, a fortune hunter and Mrs. Halstead's son 
fcy a former marriage 

DR. BURTON, a young physician 

SAMMY, the darkey bell-boy in the Halstead house 

ABRAHAM BARNES, or "Bub," a yankee farmer, still unmar- 
ried at fortv — a diamond in the rough 

ATTORNEY; SHERIFF 

Time of playing, two hours. 
Two interior scenes. Modern costumes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act. 1. Parlor of the Halstead home. The young doctor. The 
three girls plot to make his acquaintance. An affection of the heart. 
"Easy to fool a young doctor," but not so easy after all. The step- 
mother and her son. The stolen diamonds. The missing will. 
Plot to win Bernice. "I would not marry Dwight Bradley for all 
the wealth the world contains." Driven from home. 

Act 2. Kitchen of the Barnes' farm house. Bub takes off his 
boots. The new school ma'am. "Supper's ready," "This is our 
nephew and he's a doctor." Recognition. A difficult problem in. 
arithmetic. The doctor to the rescue. "I'm just the happiest girl 
In the world." "I've come to pop the question, an' why don't I 
do it?" Brother and sister. "If it's a heifer, it's teh be mine." 
The sheriff. Arrested for stealing the diamonds. "Let me knock 
yer durned head off." The jewels found in Bernice's trunk. 

Act 3. Parlor of the Halstead home. "That was a lucky stroke 
— hiding those diamonds in her trunk." The schemer's plot miscar- 
ries. Abe and Sammy join hands. The lawyer. "Bully for her." 
Bradley tries to escape. "No, ye don't!" Arrested. "It means, 
dear, that j^ou are to be persecuted no more." Wedding presents, 
and a war dance around them. "It is no trick at all to fool a 
young doctor." 

Address Orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO. aiJNOI& 



Uncle Rube 

An Original Homestead Play in Four Acts 

By CHARLES TOWNSEND 

The Finest Rural Drama Ever Published 



Price, 25 cents 



CHARACTERS 

RUBEN RODNEY (Uncle Rube). Justice of the Peace. School 

Trustee, and a master hand at "swappin' hosses". .. .Character lead 

SIMON SMARLEY, a smooth and cunning- old villain 

Character heavy 

MARK, his son. a promising young rascal Straight heavy 

GORDON GRAY, a popular young artist Juvenile lead 

UPSON ASTERBILT, an up-to-date New York dude 

Character comedy 

IKE, the hired man. "I want ter know!" Eccentric 

BUB GREEN, a comical young rustic Low comedy 

BILL TAPPAN. a country constable Comedy 

MILLICENT LEE. "the prettv school teacher" Juvenile lady 

MRS. MARTHA BITNN, a charming widow Character comedy 

TAGGS. a waif from New York Soubrette 

Time— Mid Auturtm. Place— Vermont. 

Time of playing— Two hours and a quarter. 

SYNOPSIS 

ACT I. The Old Homestead. Uncle Rube arrives. 
ACT II. The Constable's office. The plot to ruin Uncle Rube. 
ACT III. Evening at the old farm. Uncle Rube is arrested. 
ACT IV. The Constable's office again. The old farmer wins! 

This play was written by one of the most popular of American 
dramatists, whose works have sold by the hundreds of thousands. 
One of the best plays of its class ever written. Splendid characters. 
Powerful climaxes. Bright wit. Merry humor. Very easy to pro- 
duce. Requires only three scenes. No shifts of scenery during any 
act. Costumes all modern. No difficult nroj-erties required. 

THE AUTHOR'S OPINIONj 

MR. TOV^'NSEND says of this drama: "I consider that 'Uncle 
Rube' is far superior to any play depicting country life that I have 
yet written." 



This is the play for everybody — amateurs as well as professionals. 
It can be produced on any stage, and pleases all classes, from the 
most critical city audiences to those of the smallest country towns. 
Printed directly'from the author's acLing copy, with all the original 
stage directions. 

Address Orders to 
ITiE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



Santiago 

OR 

For the Red, White and Blue 
A "War Drama in Four Acts 

Br TOHN A. FRASER 
Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Capt. Oscar Hutton, U. S. A. In lov<^ with Cora. .Leading Juvenile 

Lieut. Fi.sk, U. S. A. In love with his duty Juvenile bit 

Milton Merry. U. S. N. In love with Bess Light Comedy 

Lieut. Cristobal, S. A. In love with soldiering Straight 

Dr. Harrison, Red Cross H. S. In love with surgery 

Straight old man 

Elmer Walton, banker. In love with Spanish bonds 

Character old man 

Phillip Basset, his stepson. In love with Ysobel Juvenile 

Fernando Diaz, Walton's cashier, afterwards S. A. In love with 

Cora Heavy 

Beverly Brown, Walton's butlei. afterwards Red Cross H. S. In 

love with chickens Negro Comedy 

Cornelius Dwyer, Walton's coachman, afterwards U. S. A. In 

love with "Naygurs" Irish Comedy 

Antonio Carlos, a Cuban planter. In love with Spain 

Character old man 

Cora Basset, Walton's stepdauahter. In love with Oscai: . .Juvenile 

Bess Walton. Walton's daughter. In love with Milton Ingenue 

Ysobel Carlos, Antonio's daughter. In love with Phillip. .. .Juvenile 
American Soldiers, American Sailors. Spanish Soldiers. Guerillas. 
Actual tin:e of playing, two hours. 

SYN'orsrs 

ACT I. The ball at Walton's, Was'angton. D. C. Ilandsome In- 
terior. 

ACT II. The Red Cross Hospital. First day's battle of Santiago. 
Exterior. 

ACT HI. Scene 1. — Interior Guerilla headquarters in the Sierra 
Cobra, near Santiago. Scene 2. — Exterior. The underbrush of Si- 
erra Cobra. Scene o. — Plight in the movmtain pass, second day's 
battle of Santiago. -Exterior. 

ACT IV. Hotel Tacon, Santiago, on the night of the surrender. 
Interioi'. 

NOTE. — Walton, Dr. Harrison and Carlos ma-^- dou'ole easi'y, and 
the piece played with nine males, three females. 

The best Cuban war play ever written. Easy to produce, but 
very effective. Thrilling situations, fine comedy, intense climaxes. 
Comic Irishman and Negro. Three magnificer.t female parts. Pic- 
turesque Spanish villain and heroic juvenile lead. No special scen- 
ery is required, as every regular theatre, in its ordinary equip- 
ment, has every set called for. Adapted to both professional ana 
amateur companies. 

Address Orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 



Dumont^s 
Minstrel Joke Book 



Price, 25 cents 



A Collection of jokes arranged for End-Men. both professional and 
amateur. Never before collected and published in a clear mani.er 
and witl) bright dialogue for End-Men and Interlocutor. They 
form a book of the newest, most humorous and quaintest matter 
ever aii-anied. Any reader maj-, with assured success, deliver them 
to any assemblages before whom he may appear. 

Mr. Dumont himself says: "This collection of jokes and dia- 
logues is ' tlie c;ireful gathering of >ears — and only the best and 
'sure laugh' producers are incorporated in this book." 



PARTIAL CONTENTS 

Arithr^etic of I.ove, "Ask a Foliceman,' All about Novels. At Nia- 
gara Falls, "A. P. A." and Bricks, Advantages of Education. All 
Sorts. Army and its Soldiers. Bad Case of Lying, Base Ball. Breach 
of Promise, Burglars. Boston's Correct Language, Bravery in Pattle, 
Fishing. Funny Signs and Borrowed Pants, Fish makes Brains. 
Firing off the Caanon, Climatic Changes, Clanc.v as a Diver, 
"Couldn't find a Policeman." Colonel Pepper. "Curiosities for Mu- 
seums." Conundrums. Cruelty to Animals. Country and Don't Drink, 
Couldn't take the Job, Comic Recitations, Cork Leg. "Casablanca," 
"Dreams," Ducks and Indians, Dutchman's Bet. "Daniel." Eating 
Dumplings, Epitaphs. Editing a Newspaper. Eating by Weight. Ed- 
ucated Horse, The Mule Battery. "Making Both Ends Meet." The 
Mind Reader. Missed the Hearse, Mixed Breed of Chickens. IMarried 
into a mean Famil\, Making a Pair of Shoes. Man's Ribs and Angel 
Cake. The New Poet, Never Happened, On the Battlefield. Off to the 
Seat '^i AVar. Our Brothers. Old Cider Barrel, Origin of Songs. 
Opinimi on Man and Woman. Gratitude, Hotel Regulations. Hold 
your liead Up, How is Business, How Different Girls Kiss. Hash 
for the Navy, "Has not Caught Me Yet," Irish Monologue. It Runs 
in the Family, "If a River were between all Men and Women." 
Jiimping Frog. Kissing, Kiss Sociable. Keep off the Grass. Kissing 
in the Tunnel. Lawyer and Doctor. Lost Lmbrella. Liquor Assists 
Nature. Learning the Bike, Love and M>trimony. Law in Alaska. 
Shoemaker's Daughter. Singing at the Party. Storm at Sea. Spot- 
ted Dog. Swallowed an Egg, Second Time on Earth. Signs. Sorry 
he didn't Take it Cold. Progress. Parson's Sermon on Crap Shoot- 
ing. Poultry and Fruit. Power of Language. Perhaps I Will and 
Perhaps I Wont. Peculiarities of Speech, Pumpkin Pie. Patriotic 
Alphabet. Queer Advertisements. Ragged Jacket. Raising Grass- 
hoppeis. Taught His Wife a Lesson, Thought it was a Boat-race, 
The Telephone. Thief with a Roman Nose. Taxes on Luxuries, 
Transfusion of Blood, Took the Dead Mans' Dollar. Two Good Liars, 
Three Realistic Dreams. Takes It just the same. "Twinkle. Twinkle 
Little Star." Very Good Tip. Very Largo Punch Bowl. Very Mean 
Father. "We are Letters." "Went Home for his Pipe," "Why is a 
Ship called "She?" "What is Love?" "We are all Bottles." "Wish 
the Gun had gone off," Writing a Novel. 

Address Orders to 

THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 



Won Back 

A Play in Font Acts 

By 
GLIFTON W. TAYLBUR 

Price, 25 cents 

Six male, four female characters. A play written in the 
■vein as "Held by the Enemy," "Shenandoah," "Across the Poto- 
mac," and other great New York successes. Mr. Tayleur has writ- 
ten many successful plays, but this striking- picture of the stirring: 
times of the Great Rebellion surpasses them all. Costumes, civii 
and military of the period. Scenes, two interiors, and one land- 
scape with Confederate camp, easily managed. Time of playing, 
two hours and thirty minutes. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS 
ACT I — Drawing-room, Arlington, Washington — i860 

"Whom first we love, you know, we seldom wed; 
Time rules us all: and life indeed is not 
The thing we planned it out, ere hope was dead. 
And then, we women cannot choose our lot." 
Iti fetters — The rivals — North and South — The coy widow — A" 
noted duelist — An old affection — The dismissal — The rivals meet— 
"You shall answer for this" — Farewell. 

ACT II — Same Scene— J 860 

'"Who might have been — Ah. what, I dare not think' ' 
We are all changed. God judges for the best. 
God help us do our duty, and not shrink. 
And trust in Heaven humbly for the rest." 
Broken ties — A Vassar girl's idea of matrimony — A Washington 
savfTe — Schooling a lover — Affairs of honor — The Northern firre- 
eate_ — The missing challenge — Betrothed. 

ACT III — Drawing-room in New York Hotel— J 86 J 

"With bayonets slanted in the glittering light 
With solemn roll of drums, 
With starlit banners rustling wings of night, 
The knightly concourse comes." 
To arms! To arms! — Stand by the flag — A woman's duty — A 
skirmish in the parlor — On to Richmond — Reunited — The passing 
regiment. 

ACT IV— Confederate Camp at Winchester t864 

"No more shall the war cry sever, or the winding river be red: 
They banish our anger forever, when they laurel the graves of our 
dead." 
A cowards' armor — A hand to hand struggle — ^Hugh captured — 
Sentenced to be shot — A ministering angel — Harold King's re- 
venge — The attack on the camp — Death of King — After the battle- 
Won back. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICACa ILLINOIS 



Hageman^s Make-Up Book 

By MAURICE HAGEMAN* 

Price, 25 cents 

Th^ Importance of an effective make-up is becoming- ii.o»^ otppa."^ 
ent to the professional actor every year, but liitherto there *has been 
no book on the subject describing the modern methods and at thQ 
same time covering all branches of the art. This want has now 
been filled. Mr. Hageman has had an experience of twenty yearj* 
as actor and stage- manager, and his well-known literary ability liaa 
enabled him to put tlie knowledge so gained into shape to he of 
use to others. The book is an encyclopedia of the art of making up. 
Every branch of the subject is exhaustively treated, and few ques- 
tions can be asked by professional or amateur that cannot be an- 
swered by this admirable hand-book. It is not only the best make- 
up book ever published, but it is not likely to be superseded by 
any other. It is absolutely indispensable to every ambitious actor. 

CONTENTS 

Chapter I. General Remarks. 

Chapter II. Grease-Paints, their origin, components and use. 

Chapter III. The Make-up Box. Grease-Paints, Mirrors, Face 
i'owder and Puff, Exora Cream, Rouge. Liquid Color, Grenadine, 
Blue for the Eyelids, Brilliantine for the Hair, Nose Putty, Wig 
Paste, Mascaro. Crape Hair, Spirit Gum, Scissors, Artists' Stomps, 
Cold Cream, Cocoa Butter, Recipes for Cold Cream. 

Chapter IV. Preliminaries before Making up; the Straight Make- 
up and how to remove it. 

Chapter V. Remarks to Ladies. Liquid Creams, Rouge, Lips, 
Eyebrows, Eyelashes, Character Roles, Jewelry, Removing Make-up. 

Chapter VI. Juveniles. Straight Juvenile Make-up, Society 
Men, Young Men in 111 Health, with Red Wigs, Rococo Make-up, 
Hands, Wrists, Cheeks, etc. 

Chapter VII. Adults, Middle Aged and Old Men. Ordinary Type 
of Manhood, Lining Colors, Wrinkles, Rouge, Sickly and Healthy 
Old A£;e, Ruddy Complexions. 

Chapter VIII. Comedy and Character Make-ups. Comedy Ef- 
fects, Wigs. Beards, Eyebrows, Noses, Lips, Pallor of Death. 

Chapter IX. The Human Features. The Mouth and Lips, the 
Eyes and Eyelids, the Nose, the Chin, the Ear, the Teeth. 

Chapter X. Other Exposed Parts of the Human Anatomy. 

Chapter XI. Wigs, Bearc/s, Moustaches, and Eyebrows. Choosing 
a Wig, Powdering the Hair, Dimensions for Wigs, Wig Bands, Bald 
Wigs. Ladies' Wigs, Beards on Wire, on Gauze, Crape Hair, Wool, 
Beards for Tramps, Moustaches, Eyebrows. 

Chapter XII. Distinctive and Traditional Characteristics. North 
American Indians, New England Farmers, Hoosiers, Southerners, 
Politicians, Cowboys, Minors, Quakers, Tramps, Creoles, :Mulattoes, 
Quadroons, Octoroons. Negroes. Soldiers during War, Soldiers dur- 
ing Peace, Scouts, Pathfinders, Puritans, Early Dutch Settlen?, 
Englishmen, Scotchmen, Irishmen, Frenchmen, Italians, Spaniards, 
Portuguese, South Americans, Scandinavians, Germans, Hollanders. 
Hungarians, Gipsies, Russians, Turks, Arabs, Moors. Caffirs, Abys- 
sinians, Hindoos, Malays, Chinese, Japanese, Clowns and Statuary, 
Hebrews, Drunkards, Lunatics, Idiots, Misers, Rogues. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO, ILLINOB 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



PLA"V 



M 



015 939 517 



And Entertainment Books. 

^HJEING the largest theatrical booksellers in 
?^ the United States, we keep in stock the most 
complete and best assorted lines of plays and en- 
tertainment books to be found anywhere. 

We can supply any play dr book pub- 
lished. We have issued a catalogue of the best 
plays and entertainment books published in 
America and England. It contains a full 
description of each play, giving number of char- 
acters, time of plajang, scenery, costumes, etc. 
This catalogue will be sent free on application. 

The plays described are suitable for ama- 
teurs and professionals, and nearly all of them 
may be played free of royalty. Persons inter- 
ested in dramatic books should examine our cat- 
alogue before ordering elsewhere. 

We also cany a full line of grease paints, 
face powders, hair goods, and other * 'make-up'* 
materials. 

The Dramatic Publishing Company 
CHICAGO 



